To do or not to do.

Should I get a job. I don't know.

The problem is, I start my course on the 25th of August. Doesnt leave me much time does it? And I'm going to be in Kuantan till at LEAST the mid of July. So technically...its slightly shorter than a month. Who in their right mind hires someone for slightly less than a month? The time and energy put into training tat dumkof can just as easily be put into other things. So yea. I wanna try, but at the same time I don't wanna waste my time. Going ou tmr with Dee to walk around and scout for 'help wanted' signs. Who knows. God is great, God is good...sumthing sumthing sumthing else to a song I don't really remember. I MIGHT be able to find sumthing to do. Which I quite obviously need.

Also, I'm starting to think that going back to Kuantan might be good for my sanity. I think I need to b around my family who never ceases to annoy me. I'm guessing a lot of people don't know this, but I'm envious of my friends who still have their familys here with them. Yes they can be a pain, but in the end they mean a lot.

Conclusion: Tasha is an idiot. (don't ask me how, i just know)

I am bored

I am bored.

Very very very bored. I've been surfing the net for ages and I'm STILL bored. And I really don't feel well. Like my stomach is going to eat me from anxiety. I feel carsick. But I'm rooted firmly to the ground. And I feel dizzy but I'm not even moving. I feel suffocated, like I can't breathe normally. To sum it all up, I feel horrible.

I obviously need to find something to do.

And I wanna make a phone call. So so so tempted to make a phone call. My hand is itching to reach for the phone and punch in the number. But I shouldn't should I? But I think it might make me feel better. Or maybe not. Either way I might be able to see clearly....right? Maybe not... So what should I do? I reaaallly wanna do it. But the logical part of me is saying no. Who's going to win?

An eventful day

Yesterday was an extremely long and eventful day. I hadmy IELTS speaking test, that in my opinion went fairly well. Now I just have to get ready for my written tests tmr and be done with the whole thing. After my IELTS exam I balik home, stopping at Giant to buy the drinks for the nights bbq party. Since I was in the area, I went to Lotus, my mamak, and bought nasi lemak home for myself. Yum. Anyway, when I got home I see this packet of char kuay teow waiting for me. And I go '.......sigh'. Cuz I can't NOT eat the char kuay teow, my granma bought it for me. Besides the char kuay teow at this shop is extremely nice. So Iend up eating both. Bloated and full like never before, skipping lunch and falling asleep cuz my head hurt so badly. I woke up about 3.30/4.00 STILL with a bad headache. Popped some panadols and got ready for the bbq.

Was driving smoothly to Adiels house, not really concerned bout anything when I saw the needle on the temp meter thing reaching hot. Panic. Call Daddy who's in Kuantan and he laughed and told me to bring it to a mechanic. Called Uncle Robin and he laughed and told me to bring it to a mechanic. Called Chong Yi to tell him I'd be late....who laughed and said OK OK. Called Adiel who didn't laugh and agreed to using my granmas car. But Riley never made it to the mechanic!!! At a turning close to Adiels house, my car just DIED. Right there in the middle of the street, it just died. And the alarm thingie went off. And I PANICKED! Sent an SOS to Adiel, close to tears at that time and waited while he got a mechanic. Some nice passer by with blonde hair on a motorbike stopped and helped me shut he car up. Thank goodness. So we just sat there making small talk while waiting for Adiel to come. Mechanic came, brought my car to the shop. Made a pit stop at the curve to buy Koo's goodbye/birthday present and hailed a cab to my granmas house. Got there, stole my granmas car (another kancil, just with more power and is less whiny). So yea, almost got lost on the way to Koo's apartment but my super power skills made it through. We were like an hour and a half late...and the fire was still very...pathetice looking. Lol.

All in all the barbeque was great. I ate lots and lots of sausages, cuz I dunno how to eat chicken wing and I dun eat seafood. So yea, lots and lots of sausages. With honey. Just the way I like it. Lol. Anyway I think thats the last time I'll see Koo for a while... how sad.

We left the barbeque at about....12 and fetched Jun Horng home, and Chin Wei home then me and Adiel went to 'his mamak'. Actually not bad...I like their teh ais, and the dahl was quite good. After eating supper/snack/reeeeaallly early breakfast fetched him home, and came back....

I think my aunt is supremely pissed at me....and I do care...just not all that much. Too bad.

Thank you to Adiel for helping me, seriously, I couldn't have handled that alone.

I Don't Mind

I am so full of morbid thoughts right now I'm scaring myself. I keep wondering what it's like to die. To stop being. Just for everuthing to stop. I wish I had more courage to face things thrown my way. But I don't. I wish I had more courage to actually go through with things. But I don't. The feel of the blade against my skin freaked me out. It felt so cold.. I couldn't go through with it. My cough is giving me hell. I have trouble breathing. And I finally bowed to my grandma's call to take medicine. I wanted to fight this by myself. Prove that I CAN actually do something. Same reason I've been resisting Panadol. Guess what, I can't. So yea I took cough mixture. Yum. Minty and sweet. I took more than I was supposed to though. It's supposed to make me drowsy right? I wanna feel drowsy. So I took three times the dose. I'm waiting here for the sleepiness to hit me. Cuz if I'm sleeping I can't feel right. My brain stops working. I stop thinking about my problems. Yay. But seriously. That's not a solution. I need a SOLUTION. I guess I'll keep waiting. Also, has anyone noticed how a hot shower can make you feel better, even if it's just for that few moments? When I stand under the stream of hot water, I can't cry. I don't know why. So it acts as a temporary plug until after I get out of the shower and start to feel horrible again because there's not comforting blanket around me. I think I should sleep now. Lots to do tomorrow. As usual.

Note: All of the above was fake. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Times of my life

I am sick. I am running a temperature and I have a sore throat and it seems like my head won't stop pounding. Its so incessant.

Even worse I'm like a movie theather. Pictures just keep playing in my head over and over and over again. At the end of each piciture, people just get up and walk out. Then it starts again. And the pictures are totally random. I don't even know wat they are or wat they mean. And I had a dream the other day (friday i think) about pey june asking me for A2 Physics notes. I go thru all my papers but cant find anything and start panicking like where the hell are my A2 Physics notes. ....I NEVER TOOK A2 PHYSICS!!! And the dream ends with me thinking 'It's never going to happen is it?'

But I got back from Redang Thursday night/Friday morning. Redang was amazing. The sand was so fine and so white and the water was so clear. It was pretty perfect. Just being in Redang surrounded by people I care about doing things I love. Playing in the sea, with the sand and swimming mostly. I miss everyone already. I keep wanting to cry...which is weird cuz there's no one reason as to why. Its a mixture of emotions..and I miss everyone. We had such a good time and now the future scares me because I don't know what to do. I don't know if the decision I'm making is the right one. I sure hope it is..

I wish there was a way to make PM 12 go on forever but there isn't. So I have to accept and move on. I just wish things were different though.

But still, to al my PM-12ers out there, pleeeeeease keep in touch. I will never be bored to hear from you guys.

I. CANNOT. MOVE.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! All my muscles are screaming in agony. Reason: Rock climbing

Not that it wasn't fun, it was a blast, but I'm not exactly fit...and the walls aren't exactly easy to climb..

Morning went to AC and sat there for like 2 hours before going to ECA and plyed four across. It was actually fun, slightly addictive. Then went back to AC again, teman Koo Adiel and Evan makan. Then pool baby!!! Nadia and I actually aren't so bad. We won as many times as we lost so I can safely say...we don't suck.

Then off to rock climbing. In the hot sun in tiny tiny Riley. Talk about hot. And quiet. And awkward. And argh-ish. But we made it there in the end. Wheee!!!

I as tired even before I began rock climbing. But the adrenaline got pumping and I managed to go for about half an hour before I seriously began to give out. My hands were covered in blisters. My arms ACHED!! So did my legs. Tapi my ARMS!!! The others were good at climbing, so I started feeling very the dumb cuz I suck. I hate being afraid of heights. All in all rock climbing was fun.

Then we fetched Adiel home, and got to see his hse. Nice....very nice. Very big. Very spacious. Owh and I met his cats....I won't get into that. And his parents who were very nice. (I got chocolates!!! I'm such a kid)

Now I'm at home...only reached home about 9.45. I tot I mite die on the road for sleepyness and tiredness. But I made it. Whee!! Okay now I go sleep. Tmr going lagoon!!! So fun. Hopefully I still got stamina. -.-

We actually made it

THE END.

How awesome is that. We made it to the end!!! (almost la, some of us have a few days more)
There were times during this one and a half years that I thought I would not see the end of the course. Examples are like when Ms Ho annouces Bio quizzes everyday for a month. Or Mr. Hari gave us Physic projects (like the toy car race thing). Or when I scored below crappy marks for my AS Chem Organic test (I still remember!!!). Or when I didn't pay attention in Math, only to realize I missed very important things.
But all that is what made my time in Taylors such fun!!! It's the ups and downs that feed excitement into our life. I obviously prefer the ups to the downs, and have yet to get over some downs, but it was all great.
What I take away from this is...well great friends of course, more knowledge in Chem and Bio and Math...and Physics, sweet memories and some regret.

Ugh, this is turning into such a heart-pouring-out-feeling post. Bio 5 today was....easy compared to other papers. Especially since I was expecting another paper from the abyss called hell. But the stupid t-test question....what was that...
Tomorrow I'm going rock climbing!!! Yay!!! Awesome, so much fun (im assuming). Tapi they only wanna do bouldering....and they know I'm not good at bouldering.....I can never make it to the top......yer....now I dun feel like going anymore. Crap.

But still!!! It's going to be fun...

Good luck to people taking Chem 1, Phys 1 and Bio 1.

It's because I don't trust myself with you

I just watched Cruel Intentions. Total awesomeness. I love the plot!! And Ryan Phillipe is an added incentive to watch the movie. I love the part where Annete is coming up the escalator and he steps into view, waiting for her at the top. That is just sweet! Too bad he had to die in the end.

My parents went back to Kuantan after dinner today. I miss them already. And I miss my brother. Who left his ipod on my desk. Now I hve two ipods!!!! Whoot! I'm downloading emo songs right now. The problem about emo songs is that too much of them make me sick, then I dun wanna be emo anymore. Not that my being emo is a choice. Im just saying...I guess Im un-emo-ed right now.

We played badminton just now. Me and Alex make a good team. The number of body smashes we delivered...total superbness. However...we do have to work on the logistics side of the game.

Also...there's college tomorrow. And I dun really feel like going. Actually to be brutally honest I'm pretty much dreading going. But it's the last week. Gotsta hang out with my larvlies. You guys know love you!!

Now...the plan is...go clean up my incredibly messy desk. Which I've been putting off for ages.

Seduce and Destroy

I feel like crying and I don't know why. I feel particularly useless today. I spent the day lazying around the house watching lots and lots of tv. I didn't go out. Partly cuz no one was free and partly was because I was lazy. And then I started thinking. After A lvls ends, this is what I'm going to do or two months...or more. Depending on whether I get accepted into any university. Also I feel foolish at this moment. I think I've been trying to convince myself that things are okay. I've been trying to convince myself that things aren't as bad as I see them. Guess what? I was trying to convince myself wrong. Things aren't great. I feel like nobody actually needs me. And I feel foolish for trying to convince myself otherwise. For trying to convince myself that i can be somebody. For trying to convince myself that what I think isn't true, that I'm not....

But yea....today is one of those days. When I just feel like crying. And I feel like I'm falling, and nobody can catch me.

...please somebody catch me

You gotta bounce

The world is coming to an end I tell you. At least the world I know.

Petrol prices are not TWO SEVENTY!!!!! MYR 2.70!!!!!

We are having total freak weather...I'm scared to go out in to evenings now cuz I'm afraid I mite get stuck in sum awful flood and Riley might die.

The price of everything that I eat is probably going to go up. My char koay teow is no longer sacred at 3.50. (I'm assuming so la)

Electricty prices are increasing.

To sum it all up, the price of everything is increasing. Except my allowance. If my parents so amazingly stumble upon this blog (like how they did the last one) hear me out...I need a raise!!!

Also....I havent heard from IMU. And I cannot stop worrying about it. I know, but that's just wat I do, I obsess. I obsess over everything when i feel it's not right. And now I feel like IMU is going to reject me...and I hate being rejcted. So now I cannot stop thinking about it.

Pushing that aside for a moment, last Wednesday was my Math paper (another sign of the impending fullstop to my life). It was the paper from hell!!! I'm pretty sure Lucifer looked it over and signed it off as perfect. Honestly, the onl question I could do was the first one. And I'm not even sure if I got that one right!!! The vector question as hard. And (for me la) not at all like the past years. I mean, they shud already noe that I suck at vectors, and they give me a question with the stupidity of that MAGNITUDE! I didnt want to cry after the exam. I really really just wanted to be strong, sort of get thru it and que sera sera. But wat do I do after the exam as soon as Samuel starts talking to me? i CRY OF COURSE!!!! Why? Cuz Tasha's a cry baby.

But yes, no matter wat crap is happening in life, the beauty is that nothing is ever written in stone. We can bounce back from this. And that is exactly what I'm going to do. Bounce back from all the horrible SHITTY things that has happened to me lately that makes me feel like Im unworthy, a screw up, a disappointment. Unwanted, horrible, disgusting, repulsive. So yea, I gotta bounce.

My car didnt take swimming lessons!

Who knew rain could be so troublesome?

Going back today was an epic battle. Kancil against the full force of nature. Seriously, me and Chin Wei in tiny Riley (yes I KNOW my car is small) were FREAKED OUT thinking we were going to crash because we could barely see the road. Even taking the highway home, we were caught in a jam. It took me an HOUR to get home today. A WHOLE HOUR!!!

And today I felt very the takde semangat. I couldnt focus on my work (math). I didnt WANT to focus on my work. I think I've already gone into holiday mode people. I spent like an hour sleeping in the eca, then a couple hours in the library dong NOTHING. Very unproductve day. And when i got home I felt a sudden wave of stress. And I couldnt get rid of it. My shoulders hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurt. So I went swimming.

Dah berapa lama dah I didn't go swimming. About a month or 2...maybe more. And instead of FIFTY laps I only managed THIRTY laps. When I got there I had the whole pool to myself. Yippee!!! Total privacy minus the lifeguard. Then this middleaged overweight dude comes into the pool. I really dun have a problem with overweight middleaged people. This dude was the most colour coordinated dude I've seen. Everything was blue. EVERYTHING!!! His slippers, his shorts, his goggles, his swimming cap. I almost couldnt see him in the water.

I was GOING to stop at twenty five laps tapi when I was about to go out this SUPER HOT Mat Saleh dude comes to the pool....and just stands at the side. And OBVIOUSLY I dun wanna get out of the pool in my swimming suit when this super hot guy is standing there so I keep swimming till I reach thirty laps. Quite obviously I have a problem with hot good looking guys. They intimidate me, and make me feel small.

Which is the OPPOSITE of how I'm feeling right now. I'm just going to send this out into the void....IM FAT!!!! Ohmg. I feel so...faaat!!!!!!! Like obese kinda fat. I need to go on a diet. Especially since SHEENA is on a diet and makes me feel BAD when I eat FRIES even though, like everyone else, shes thinner than me. *cries eyes out*

Also, I'm feeling down cuz I dun think IMU wants me. Biiiiig surprise. Meh.. If they dun take me then I'm destined for Russia I guess. Whichis enough to make me cry and throw a tantrum (imagine a spoilt child).

P/S When I said super hot I meant like REALLY SUPER HOT!!!