Mindless Ramblings....

Why do I get panic attacks at the most random times?

I have yet to close a deal with anyone regarding any room which I will eventually stay in. (I noe people are tired about hearing me bitch about finding a room)
But it's hard.

Also it suddenly hit me that I'll be staying alone. Technically. Housemates don't count cuz I don't know them! And I do not know how to wash my clothes, much less iron them. If I attempt to, I have attempted to, I take hours on end. I also do not know how to cook. What am I going to live on? Bread and butter? Probably...

And I'll be ALONE!!!

I think I have a phobia about being alone. Really, I need people around me.

I'm afraid that when i go to uni people are going to slowly forget me. And instead of keeping in touch I'll just drift further and further away until one day I'll no longer remember them. And they won't remember me.

What if I fail to understand what I'm being taught? What if I turn out to be really really dumb? And I drop out after the first semester and end up working in sum hell hole I hate and despise?

What if I dislike my lecturers? What if I dislike my peers? What if my peers dislike ME?!

What if...what if...what if....

(sigh)

I need to be able to look back and smile. I need to be able to tell myself that I had fun but it didn't last. I need to be able to not cut ties.

Ugh, that's the hard part. I can feel myself going to. I keep pulling myself away from the edge, before I take the plunge I know I'm going to regret. But no matter how many times I tell myself not to mess with things, that things are fine the way they are, I find myself drawn back to the same edge. Just waiting for the courage to do it.

But I can't do it can I? I'll hurt myself. And I'll hurt other people. And what's the use of that? What can I possibly gain from making myself and the people I care about suffer?

When I think about it, I know I don't want to. I think I might feel a bit better if I do...but will I really? In the end all I'm going to achieve is an absence in my life. A hole that might never be filled, but at least it's not filled with something bad right? I'm going back and forth here, looking at the pros and the cons and I cannot understand. I don't know what my mind is trying to tell me.

If I do it...I lose my friend.
If I do it...I'll regret it.

I don't wanna regret it. I don't wanna do sumthing stupid that can ruin my life as I know it. But then again...why do I keep crawling back to the edge...?

I have got to stop thinking so much. Or find a better outlet for useless random thoughts.