pieces of my heart

I have just watched the lastest episode of Greys and I am so so so glad to say that I am still in love with it.

New developments: George and Izzie aren't so close anymore. Hahn might be GAY. Torres is now freaked outbout Hahn's possible gay-ness. Meredith...is still Meredith, just without Derek. Addison was back. Which was so totally AWESOME. I idolise her. I wanna be like her. I also want hair like hers. Ava/Rebecca is pretending to be pregnant...for...Alex? I don't know, I don't get that. And I still don't really like Alex. He's one of the biggest man-bitches I have ever come across.

Anyway. That episode left me feeling a little dejected. Actually, most of the latest episodes have left me feeling a litle dejected. I used to take solace in the fact that Izzie and George were so good together. They're not like each other, and sort of balance each other out. But the broke up. And sure all's fine with that but it feels (to me) like the whole thing actually affected their friendship. I feel like they aren't as close friends as they were. They were BEST friends. So close, I wanted to be them. And now George is ditching Izzie for Lexie all the time.

Can you sense some bitterness here?

I feel like I've lost my friend as well. Not a best friend, but a close friend. Someone I kept close to my heart. We never had a normal relationship. Well, I felt that way anyway. I always found it amazing that I got close to someone in such a short period of time. He could make me laugh. He could make me cry...then try to make me laugh as he's consumed by guilt. But I guess the stupidest thing to admit is that I thought he liked me, more than a friend. And because of that, I fell for him too. And fell hard. I fell so hard, I bruised myself, and I have yet to recover. Now I know that he doesn't feel the same way. And as much as I say that it doesn't hurt, it does. It hurts everytime i see him, or hear him speak. It hurts seeing him with other girls and trying to laugh. It hurts to think that everything he told me, everything that I believed was true, was just a lie fabricated to keep my feelings at bay. It hurts knowing that he hurt me, and used me, and couldn't care less about it. It hurts that he keeps bringing it up like it's a joke we share and expects me to be okay with it. And more than ever, it hurts that after all that, I still like him.

But who knows. All this hurt could be self inflicted. Things could not be made more clearer after 'I don't feel the same way about you.' But because I'm me, I still have this small clinging hope thing, and it's killing me.